r/LEAVES

i DON'T KNOW WHY i HAVE SUCH A HARD TIME WRITING MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS DOWN.

I think it's because I smoke a lot of weed. I have been reading more and more posts from r/leaves and one of the main things people talk about is the fact that they get so much ambition and emergy back. Smoking weed made them content with being bored. And it's true. i've spent a lot of the past few years bored and alone and quiet. But I also liked to be bored sometimes when I wasn't high - but I know the constant smoking has taken it to another level.

I work in a job that doesn't bring me joy.
I live in a city that scares me.
I spend money like no tomorrow.
I miss a lot of my nephews' everyday life (ie games, parties, sleepovers, etc.).

I check out mentally around other people.
I half-ass the job I don't love.
I binge eat or just eat junk.
I watch so much tv. So. much. television.
But I do like the Real Housewives...

My fupa is overflowing.
My mind is muddled.
My ambition is suffering from a drought.

I don't feel unhappy.
I don't feel sad.
I don't always feel a lot period.

I do feel hopeful.
I do feel more focused.
I do feel more determined.
But those moments are fleeting more often than not.

I think every day about cutting back on weed but then spend my Monday evening driving across hell and high water to go to Missouri with Megan to restock on weed. And I have some - I just needed more. The feeling I get thinking of not having any weed is uneasy. I think that's common among full-time smokers. I also think it's something I can get past because I have done it before and it's the hardest hurdle but often the most helpful. I do not need to keep it in the house right now. I do not need multiple strains. i do not need a box of weed and paraphenelia.

But what am I doing about it.